The almost-alcoholic fills justified in pouring himself a drink at a minute past noon.
The all-the-way alcoholic starts pouring at 11:30 as soon as his hand stops shaking.

Some wisdom from the Kama Sutra

The following women are not to be enjoyed:
· A leper
· A lunatic
· A woman turned out of caste
· A woman who reveals secrets
· A woman who publicly expresses desire for sexual intercourse
· A woman who is extremely white
· A woman who is extremely black
· A bad-smelling woman
· A woman who is a near relation
· A woman who is a female friend
· A woman who leads the life of an ascetic
· And, lastly the wife of a relation, of a friend, of a learned Brahman, and of the
king


___________

06/04/03
I often spend mornings sitting in the courtyard outside Peet's coffee. It's a nice long walk to get there (my almost daily exercise) and there's always plenty of people to watch until I can think of something to write, or someone leaves a newspaper behind.

Today I observed some young healthy-looking homeless sort going from table to table asking for spare change. His request was simple, non-threatening, and he took refusal without any grief and moved on.

This process I thought, is not so different from auditioning. Indeed, success in both endeavors requires a combination of endurance and charm that can persuade the public to open their purses and wallets.

For a bum, endurance is a given, but when it comes to charm, there's a noticeable scarcity among the ranks.

For an actor of course, charm is seldom lacking, but as to endurance, well there's always distractions like rent, groceries and the DMV.

The comparison of auditioning to panhandling may seem cynical but it's fair. The real difference is only in the degree of ambition, and of course the absence of any professional instruction for bums.

Most of us don't really worry about the homeless anymore than we do about actors. So the proposal I'm about to make should not be misconstrued as charity but rather a business model with a socially laudable side effect.

For the time being I'll just refer to this idea as Headshots for the Homeless(HH).

With the growing popularity of "Reality" shows, and the phenomenal return on initial expenses, I'm imagining a contest of three rounds of elimination.

Round one: After a careful screening of contestants for personality and intelligence, 15 homeless people are posted on a web site. Each has a headshot along with a notable quote/insight on being homeless, and a one or two minute "on the street interview" to give the public a sense of the character. The visitors to the website are invited to vote for their favorites by making a donation for each vote of fifty cents to a charitable foundation. Promos can be run anticipating the eventual airing of round two on television and would actually qualify as public service announcements. The idea is to make celebrities out of people on the very bottom of the socio-economic scale while raising money for worthy causes.

Round two: After a month or more of the promotion and voting, the top five contestants are to appear in a real-time event as each hustles as much spare change as they can. This money is also to be given to the charity. And let's suppose that during this same time period, anyone can make votes on the Internet sight as well. Each contestant is rigged with a hidden camera and microphone (wireless) and we cross cut between all the players as the time counts down.

Round three: The finalists are the two who've raised the most money. We then take these two, dress them up make them the maitre'de in some place like Spagos in Beverly Hills. Again the object is to raise money by hustling handouts or in this case "gratuities".

Just a thought, and maybe a poke in the eye of the asinine viewership of network television. In any case, it's my idea and if somebody out there makes it I expect a producers credit and several points of the gross.

There's a sexual act called "Blumping".

This act consists of one person giving fellatio while the recipient is having a bowel movement. That's all I know about it. I don't know if a toilet is necessary, some folks are more outdoorsy types.

Now, I know that being "Judgmental" is frowned on these days, but in my opinion, people that engage in this sort of thing are some damn queer ducks!

And that's okay ... We're a tolerant bunch here in LA.

But what really Gaul's me is that if I were wealthy enough, and some "Blumper" or some "Blumpering" couple were willing to go public, I could/would be sued for hurting their feelings!

blump
v. blumped, blump·ing

It hardly gives an impression of the action it denotes. I mean it sounds kind of cuddly doesn't it? It sounds like something out of Winnie the Pooh.

There are all kinds of sex acts, and the more depraved, the cuter the term. But as too the common sex acts that we all like and look forward too, we've the terms "Fucking" and "Cocksucking". What's with that? What is it with American English that we can't come up with better, less offensive terms for what is for most, a daily concern? Our cousins across the pond have a term "shagging" which I rather like, but here in the land of productivity we don't shag around. We Fuck.

Think about it. A typical American couple has to negotiate sexual satisfaction with one term that means "to stab" and the other that's more often than not, an insult.

But when "Blumpers" are communicating it sounds rather pleasant:

"Darling, I can hardly wait until we're blumping again."

"Oh god, blump me! Blump me now!"

By the way, does anybody know what a "Cleveland Steamer" is?

So, it's a $5.50 glass of Wild Turkey, a smokey bar and a mediocre band with it's amps up too loud. But it's some kind of stimulation after all and I've this little book to talk too.

They start something up with an acoustic guitar in a minor key and I settle into my drink.

Now one must always give credit for effort and I do, but the lead of this group is some lame and blameless kid singing about lame and pointless stories, and it just goes on and on.

Finally, they announce the last song. ( Thank god.)

It's called "Sad Marie". I think she's lucky not to be here.

I'm happy when "Sad Marie" is over and luckily for me, this was just an opening act for a very good band called "Mule".

The crowd shifts around while the bands switch equipment and I move over to the single guy seat at the end of the bar. This is were the old, defective, or dead sit and keep an eye on the living and connected.

I'm weary, whiskered, and I smell of cigars and bourbon. Still, things aren't so bad. The liquor has made me numb and comfortable, and soon, "Mule" will start up their music.

I like this band. They sing about things I understand like useless love, jealousy, and being a stranger, maybe even being a strange stranger ...

It's not that the music eases the pain so much as it gives it some recognition and a form that can be shared instead of it being the lonesome silence we take home. During the set, I was made melancholy enough to write some lyrics;

There's always going to be
Something wrong with me
Always something better
Something better I could be

In any room full of faces
There's always those you'd rather see
I know there's something wrong
Something wrong with you and me

I reckon I've been everywhere
'cept but where I want to be
But there's always something wrong
Something wrong with me

Cigarettes and good whiskey
Cigarettes and good whiskey

I know she's other choices
Better choices I can see
Yeah, there's always something wrong
I'm not the man I oughta be

Well she's finally gone her way
I'm just alone and free
And there's finally nothing left that's wrong
Finally nothing wrong with me.

Cigarettes and good Whiskey
Cigarettes and good Whiskey

I met an actress last night at my favorite bar. We had met before at an acting workshop intensive. (Yeah, I do that)

She's absolutely beautiful; on par with Cameron Diaz! We hadn't really talked at the intensive, although we did a read together, and I of course had wondered what she might be like to spend time with (among other things).

She recognized me immediately, and I was given a nice hug and greeting.

That moment would be the highlight of the subsequent fifteen minutes of our meeting.

Our initial exchange was fairly measured and even, but after a bit, it became almost completely unnecessary for me to do anything but say "oh yeah", smile, and nod.

She'd just finished a four-week run of a production of Hamlet, and although she'd had some artistic differences with the director, she'd really grown from the experience.

She'd played Gertrude, however not in the traditional mode, but rather as Hamlet's psychological projection on his therapist. The costume choice was very challenging for while she needed to come across as royalty, she still had to look professionally believable. They settled on a very nice blue velvet dress. She went on to describe details of the dress but some things that began to escape me.

At some point, I remember having had to sit down on a barstool. She remained standing. It was like sitting next to a washing machine during the spin cycle.

She went on to tell how instead of one person playing Hamlet, they had used seven actors to do various aspects of his personality. She of course had to deal with them all. I said I was sorry I missed it.

Apparently she'd strongly resisted the world of acting but at some point she realized that it was the only thing she was meant to do. This moment happened at the age of 22 when while walking through a hotel lobby where she worked, she'd been cast as a background player in a commercial spot. After that she thought she should get some training.

Now, she's working on her career every single day by reading monologues, taking classes, and mailing out postcards to casting directors on any plausible pretense. Then of course there's also the gym workouts and Yoga classes. The last mailing was about one hundred and fifty pieces.

She illustrated the difference in gesture required for a fifty-person venue as opposed to a hundred and twenty seat affair. One is bigger than the other.

Now, I don't mean to imply that I'm any less shallow or self-absorbed than this woman. The fact is, that all the while she'd been talking; I hadn't been the least bit interested in what she had to say, but rather what if any were my chances of sleeping with her. At this point however, even that was losing its appeal.

She took the last drink of her Mango Margarita, smiled at me, giggled and made me promise not to tell anyone, especially a gossip columnist about what she'd recently done.

I promised. She turned away to order another margarita.

Now, for the first time since our initial hug, I was actually interested in what she was going to tell me. Maybe the first ten minutes of our initial 'conversation' could be dismissed as a small talk formality required with an actress. Maybe, I imagined, something now would begin that could lead to something more substantial.

She took her martini from the bartender, sipped it, savoring it, as well as my anticipation.

Then she told me that she'd actually used the Internet to meet someone.

At this point the listening became remarkably difficult, but I endured while she related to me all the details of each of his four posted photos, and then the terribly funny and naughty things they said to each other.

I suppose it's some kind of karmic retribution for my selfish and shallow ways; to be trapped next to some exquisitely beautiful woman while she tells me about her romantic life.

I recently found out that Senator Joe McCarthy died the same year I was born.

http://www.thenewamerican.com/tna/1996/vo12no18/vo12no18_mccarthy.htm

Maybe there's something to this reincarnation thing. I think he died of cirrhosis of the liver, so I can see an obvious similarity right off.

How to make a martini: Place three ice cubes in 8 ounce glass. Take bottle of Vodka out of freezer and pour enough to cover the cubes. Add a capful of vermouth and forget the fucking olive.

It's been awhile. I'm moody.

If you're not moody, you're not paying attention. That, or your prescription is much better than mine.

Easter Sunday. I'm dining alone at a nice restaurant. I'm having a steak and a glass of Cabernet. Here's to resurrections, and the greatest Jew in showbiz there ever was or will be!

Driving over here I was listening to a discussion on the radio regarding the obvious fascination, and in many cases a desire bordering on addiction, of watching war coverage. In as much as there's always an armed conflict taking place somewhere on the planet, and the state of technology now facilitates "real-time" from the most remote locations, how soon can we expect "The WAR Channel"?

Here's reality TV at its very best: unscripted and absolutely live ... and dead!

Of course, after a few seasons there will doubtless arise charges of staging or even fomenting conflicts for the sake of ratings, but until the venture is sullied by such scandal, we'll be amazed and ennobled by experiencing our humanity at it's very best and worst.

"Embedded" journalists will get us up close and personal with the combatants, while overhead, unmanned drones displaying Network logos will give us pinpoint locations of every breaking scene. Combine this with state of the art 3D mapping and graphics and we're talking about a global audience 24/7!

The advertising potential is nothing less than awesome! Orwell would be impressed (sort of) and in the minds of the more astute is the potential for investments. Just how does a savvy investor reposition his portfolio in light of the emerging world of entertainment? Of course the defense industry is a no-brainer, but what of the ancillary sectors such as casket manufactures, graveyards and body bags, electronics giants like Sony and Phillips, and then of course there's the pharmaceutical companies - who will be the first to patent the perfect battlefield speed? Of course that brings to mind the very lucrative nutritional supplements industry. After all, professional warriors of the future will always be seeking that important edge on their opponents.

Consider also the agency and management opportunities created by the inevitable rise of combat "Stars"; endorsements, testimonials, brand recognition, T-shirts!

Good gosh, the mind reels from the implications that flow like a river full of spawning salmon!

Is the future exciting or what!

It's not that I'm particularly fond of Bush; Indeed, I thought it was remarkably silly to use the word "Crusade" when characterizing the invasion, ("Liberation") however, I find his detractors even more contemptible, and many more times hypocritical. In one breath, they call him an idiot and in the next accuse him of duplicity. Bush has said out right that he "doesn't do nuance".

I think he's telling the truth. If he doesn't do nuance then how adept would he be at duplicity?

Walking to the coffee shop this morning, I passed by the Santa Monica Sunday Farmer's market. Here's where all right-thinking, friendly fascists gather to remind themselves what fine folks they are and just how awful the world's become since Bush stole the election.

There was as per form, a table of flyers calling attention to the many crimes being committed by the Republicans, and even a comic strip that's shows just what a simple-minded boob the president really is.

Alas, if only Al Gore had persevered in his lawsuit to unseat the demon usurper, how much better off we'd be right now, and certainly in better favor with France, Germany, and Russia. After all it's hard not to well regard a victim, but that aggressive stuff and unilateral confidence is really beyond the pale!

It's a tragedy; the countries that spawned the two most awful dictatorships, and greatest slaughter of the last century, as well as the biggest loser, think ill of us.

I've lately been reading a few missives regarding just how much horror and suffering the Germans were subjected to by allied bombing. People are finding the "courage to finally speak out." I guess it's now time for the Germans to claim victim status as well. Maybe reparations are due?

With all the care taken to avoid the destruction of historic sites in Iraq, I'm wondering why there were no arrangements made to protect the Bagdad Museum from looters.

Well, shit happens.

I've been hearing about several guys younger than I dropping dead from natural causes lately. A troubling thing to contemplate; there's this milestone in life when most people younger than you have accomplishing way more, but on the other hand they're also dying. It's like the lament of not getting a fair share of sexual adventures, but on the other hand never catching any venereal disease.

Lucky You!

She was seated, well-poised, and waiting
Her face showed intelligence as well as beauty
She took care of her body
She had the sweetest voice ...

I sat down beside her
Like a finalist in the lottery

She was a workaholic and hated mistakes
She named her little dogs "Cash", "Money", and "Diamonds"
She married her husband because he kept asking her too.
She gets angry if he makes the same mistake a third time

I met her while waiting for a bureaucrat to call my number
We talked for a long time and I finally asked her-
Have you ever been in love?
She thought it over and decided
The answer was "no."

It was right about then
my number came up
I was glad to say goodbye.

My house stinks.

I think some of it is coming from the carpet in the bedroom, which has been there at least 25 years. There's only so much a vacuum can do after all.

I also suspect the cat may have yacked up somewhere, but I can't locate anything specific.

Of course I should be more conscientious about emptying the trash, and cleaning out the trap in the kitchen sink. I've become something of a slob it seems. I just don't feel very motivated to do anything more than the minimum necessary.

I'm also developing an annoying tolerance for liquor, which of course puts pressure on my already meager budget as I must consume more to achieve the same level of sedation.

I realize after all this time, that I've become the subject of a Simon and Garfunkle song I remember hearing as a child. It's as if from that day forth, I'd sentenced myself to fulfill that lonely fate;

I've become a most peculiar man!

So if the economy doesn't pickup soon maybe I ought to go Baghdad. Heaven knows there'll be plenty of work there. And the number of single women available should be outstanding!

What if Bush and company turn out to be correct? What will the enlightened and caring bunch have to say;

"Half Empty" I suppose.

I know it's downright annoying to have a president that embarrassing to listen too. His enthusiasm and its awkward expression are almost creepy. Those pronouncements about the imminent liberation of the Iraqi people are a bit much too, especially with the "God's on our side" tone to it.

But still, what if he's right?

Joseph Stalin would maintain that 2+2 equals 4. Just because he's a despicable person, doesn't warrant a serious reconsideration of mathematics.

I don't think I'd have much fun hanging out with George, but he doesn't strike as a bad sort either. We never quite get what we want eh?

THIS IS AN ANXIETY ATTACK: Drink 10 cups of good strong coffee in about an hour, then have a very confused, trembling, wild-eyed psychopath point a gun in your face and ask in a most desperate tone whether life has any meaning.

I think that kinda describes it.

"Life always has unexplainable circumstances which are often used by God to accomplish His work."
-from the "Left Behind" website.

This begs the question; which circumstances God pays no attention too; like for instance Nazi Death camps.

This is rich, and reminds of a famous Monty Python bit regarding Eric ...

"Fifteen years after the dog licence was abolished, the Labour-led Scottish government is planning a licensing system for exotic fish such as the rosy red minnow, the black bullhead catfish and the sterlet.

Anyone who owns exotic fish without a licence will face fines of up to £2,500. Health and safety officials will also be given special powers to enter people's homes to confiscate and destroy unlicensed fish.

The move has enraged the usually passive community of aquaria and pond owners, who face no such legislation in England.

Ian Botham, the former England cricketer who owns aquaria and fishing lakes in Scotland, said: "It is ridiculous that politicians need to dictate who can and cannot keep fish.

'Anyone should be able to keep their own pond or fish tank without seeking permission from the law. Is this the best way that Scottish politicians have found to fill their time?'"
©Telegraph Group Limited

From last evening until early this morning, I've been pleasantly inebriated, although the memory of my activities is as surreal and fading as a dream.

I'd taken my last ten-spot and gone to the Circle Bar. In order to save money, I drank a good deal of Sake before I left. This isn't I know, a productive coping strategy, but well ... I pride myself on consistency. Still, I suspect at some point I'd fallen to the level of "rat-bastard".

I know I wrote something like a love poem on a napkin and handed it to a woman who knows I'm interested in her. There was a band playing very loudly so a verbal approach wasn't practical. I watched her read it, but when finished, she didn't look around to see where I might be. Nor could I gauge her reaction to it. She didn't throw it away either but, she may have decided that I'm a stalking psychopath and she'd better hang on to some solid evidence.

I smoked three cigarettes. I flirted with some guy's girlfriend.

I ordered water from the bar and then refilled the glass with whiskey from my own concealed flask.

I think I drove home with an illegal blood/alcohol level?

I am a bad citizen. I take unfair advantage of liberal return policies. I pretend to be concerned about the homeless. I wish ill fortune on my neighbors.

If life's progress is likened to a train, then I've fallen off somewhere in a wilderness between stops.
----

I was finally able to view the photo of a woman I'd reached the fourth stage with on eHarmony. It was a deal-breaker.

I really can't understand why they waste time concealing their looks. Why not just put it up front? Then at least they'd know that a major factor is already a given when the responses come.

I know how important intelligence and personality are, but it's simply unrealistic to think love and romance don't involve basic physical attraction. Why else would so many beauties leave me alone? I stopped the process, sending her the optional message that "I'm pursuing another relationship."

Unfortunately, it's with a bottle and a keyboard.

The next stage already! She's sent the next three prescribed questions:

1. When do you feel most afraid?
"I don't really remember."

2. Does life look good to you right now? Describe your current emotional health.
"It's a half full perspective - I'm struggling as an actor and while I'm more excited about my life than ever, I'm also the most poor than I've ever been. It's more important to look forward to tomorrow than have financial success."

3. What are you looking for in a relationship partner?
"Oh Jeez. Nice little tits and a clean, wet yoni."

"Now we need you to ask three (3) short-answer questions that you would like M. to answer. You may either write your own questions in the boxes provided or select from the list of questions below. When you are satisfied with your questions/selections, click on the Continue button at the bottom of the page and we will send your questions to M."

Question 1
Who's your favorite Beatle?
Question 2
Are some people smarter than other people?
Question 3
Are you allergic to cats?

Well, things are moving right along with the latest match. As to my suspicions, review the info below and ponder whether or not she thinks as I suspect:

"Below are a list of 'Must Haves' and 'Can't Stands'. Review this list carefully and ask yourself honestly: How many of these criteria fit with who I am?

There will be ample time for you to ask for clarification of items and her interpretation. Now's the time to be candid with yourself. If you know that you don't fit with most of her Must Have's and Can't Stands, you should let M. know and end communication now."


Must Haves:
Chemistry...
I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.
Education...
I must have someone whose educational achievements match my own.
Emotionally Generous...
I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Intellect...
I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Family Life...
I must have a partner who is committed to marriage, home, and family.
Shared Politics...
I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Spirit of Volunteerism...
I must have a partner who shares my willingness to volunteer and support community and/or social causes.
Parent Care...
I must have someone who is willing to help me take care of my parents, now or when the time comes.
Spiritual Acceptance...
My partner must accept and respect my spiritual beliefs, whether they share them or not.
Responsible...
My partner must be financially responsible.

Can't Stands:
Lying...
I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Cheating...
I can't stand someone who takes advantage of people.
Anger...
I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Mean Spirited...
I can't stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Boorishness...
I can't stand someone who is inclined to rowdy, vulgar or disrespectful behavior when "having fun."
Drugs...
I can't stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.
Racist...
I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Addictions...
I can't stand someone who currently suffers from addictions.
Undependable...
I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
Foul Mouthed...
I can't stand someone who swears or uses inappropriate language or humor.

Jeez! You'd think somebody that old would have a better sense of humor.

"I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own."

This can only be a lefty, or a fundamentalist, and as to;

"I must have a partner who shares my willingness to volunteer and support community and/or social causes."

I don't think so. I just can't manage to work up any sense of white guilt, not with my family history and income. "Social causes" indeed! I'll bet she thinks "reparations" are legitimate demand.

And then there's;

"I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.

In other words she can't stand any disagreement with, or criticism of her emotionally-based political beliefs. Again, must be a liberal, or a fundamentalist.

(Of course I'm going to respond anyway, because I'm after all rather shallow and without conviction, and I also need some kind of entertainment.)

Well, another email has arrived notifying me of a potential mate. She seems to be in the Green Party/Hate Republicans camp, so I have my doubts, and of course, she's also my age. But maybe she's in the same state as I regarding the chronology of my age, and the shape my body is in. In any case I'm given the pitch below:

"Remember, a match from eHarmony is not ordinary and does not happen very often. We encourage you to take a closer look and continue the easy, safe and anonymous communication process. Let eHarmony guide you as you get to know your match from the "inside-out." Good luck!"

"Good luck!" is hardly the encouragement warranted from a service that claims to be so spot-on when it come to match ups. Imagine if your stockbroker said that after investing your money, or maybe a ticketing agent at an airlines after you've booked a flight to NYC.

Another woman sent the prescribed three questions selected from about 20 choices to me this morning. My answers are quoted:

How big is your extended family? What are the holidays like for you and your family?

"Mother is dead. Two brothers and Father left. I struck out on my own when 17 and never looked back"

What are your general feelings about money and personal wealth?

"I've no aversion to wealth and indeed have ambitions that could lead to it, however I'm not willing to spend the bulk of my waking life concerning how much money I can make or need to make. Hence, I live very frugally."

What are you looking for in a relationship partner?

"That's a difficult question, and the answer could entail paragraphs of reflection in lieu of some general platitudes. For now let's just say Sex and Support."

I figure the more honest the answers, the less time wasted. Of course I'm refraining from stating the most base of my intentions, but after all, it's those surprises that make a relationship so vital and interesting.

It's cold. The wind blows through my beach shack enough to move the curtains. I'm reluctant to heat the place as it's so quickly lost through the walls and loose windows. After awhile I seek relief by laying under my blankets. Then I sleep.

Another woman has responded to my queries on dHarmony, no picture yet , maybe she's an absolute beauty that wants to be sure the man she meets is interested in her inner self ? that would be a fine thing, but then, so would a winning lottery ticket.

I can't stand to sit in my apartment for more than a few hours.
I've no desire to watch TV, or read, or write anything for that matter.

I'm going mad I suppose; the lack of success, the lack of patience, the lack of nookie, give me reason/excuse to reach for the bottle and a credit card.

I hate the internet.

Okay, I know I'm living in paradise, at least compared to most folks, especially in Missouri, but due to unforeseen circumstances, i.e. being a failure, and my admittedly lax financial oversight of late, I discovered today that I've a mere 29 dollars left in my bank account.

It's troubling of course to have so little money, but it's even more unnerving having mailed off checks yesterday for over four hundred dollars worth of bill payments.

I was going to quit drinking today, I swear it.

I tried several times to fill out an online application for a crime scene cleanup job, but due to a typo, or an overlooked blank, I'd be required to hit "back" button and make corrections. However each time I did, the entire form would be empty. I wrote the email below in a bit of a snit.

"filling out the employment form is a real pain in that if one must hit the back button to correct any info, the entire form is blank and requires the reentry of all data. Who designed this? This is rudimentary stuff!"

A reply came back.

All the information is held in a database session variable and when everyone else pushes the back button the form "IS" repopulated. There must be something "rudimentary" on your end.

Any suggestions?

Mark K---------
President and CEO
Biotech Emergency Service

Shit. I wonder if that will have any affect on my employment qualifications...

The reality seems to be that if anything can go wrong with a digital device I'm using, it will.

This also seem to apply to any service I contract, or restaurants I dine at...

I'm the consumer age version of "Job".

An email sent to Bill O'Reilly:

A few days ago I was handed an email from the Iraqi front. It came from a U.S. Army Colonel in the Third Infantry Division.

He is deeply angered over much of the reporting he is seeing in the American media.

I have to protect his identity because the Pentagon does not like its officers going off the reservation and providing journalists like me this kind of perspective.

The following is what his email said:

"The Third (31D) is making history here. In the past 48 hours, we have destroyed two (Iraqi) divisions and six other divisions decided not to fight or have formally capitulated.

Of course, this is never reported in the news. I do daily air recon in a Blackhawk escorted by Apaches and we have probably killed close to 10,000 (Iraqi soldiers). We are continuously sniped at and receive periodic mortar fire.

Bottom line, they shoot - they die. Every American soldier (here) is getting a chance to engage and kill the enemy.

Iraq has these maniacs, death squad guys called Saddam Feddyen, DGS forces, IIS, and Ba'ath party forces that we spend most of our day killing.

They continuously make suicidal charges at our tanks, brads (fighting vehicles), and checkpoints. We are happy to send them to hell. You would not believe the carnage.

Imagine body parts about knee deep, with hundreds of (Iraqi) vehicles burning, occupants inside. We fill up trucks with body parts daily.

The plan is going exactly as scripted. The news is full of s***. We have almost total control. Don't know how much longer the division can keep up this pace, but we are prepared to do it."

-----

Well, I'm not getting any response to my queries regarding employment as a crime scene cleanup guy. What the hell, is this another one of those professions that require some kind of connection or family history like say Show biz?

I received an invitation to communicate with some woman thru the eHarmony system, But when I tried to respond, I was immediately taken to the payment plan page.

Okay, so I drop a hundred dollars for three months, figuring that after paying I'll be able to see a photo of the woman - but no. She, as well as every other "match" is declining to show a photo until later in the communication process. Red Flag!

Well, it's not bad for a day's worth of phone calls -

I've a new unemployment claim in the system,and an initial appointment with a doctor through my health insurance that began today as well, which I'm led to understand the difference in cost to me is 725.00.

Yeah baby! Welcome to the other side of the scam!

The casting agency called and they've a day player role for me - when it rains it pours!

I'm on the phone this morning dealing with the unemployment office, and the "Work source department", and the "This" department and the "That" Department, and I'm actually having a rather pleasant time of it I think, because before dialing, I'd become lightly stewed on some hot Sake.

Sake (Rice Wine) is quite magical - it is I think one of the best social lubricants ever concocted. Indeed, I've had more pleasant social interactions with complete strangers at a Sushi bar than at any other public gathering place. Sake brings out a measure of empathy and relaxed humor that facilitate some of the best human interaction I've experienced.

I tend to like people more readily when I'm in the relaxed state of mind induced by this particular form of alcohol. For some reason, I forget just how depraved the standard human is and view him/her as an interesting and reasonable sort. If most the world leaders could maintain this state of mind - we'd all be much less tense, and the graveyards nowhere near as full.

It's Ceasar Chavez day here in California, which means the unemployment office is closed and I'll have to wait yet another day before the claim checks arrive. Yeah, I know, I feel awful about my reliance on tax money, but then I remind myself about folks like Kenneth Lay and the rest of the White collar energy scumbags that within the space of 15 seconds stole ten times my yearly income, and who are now giving tens times more of the same ill-gotten gains to the lawyers protecting them.

Oh yeah - I just hate myself for being unemployed.

Which reminds me, I must schedule an appointment with the tax accountant to see how much more of the next-to-nothing I actually earned needs to be given the government.

War Coverage; MSNBC - Let's make it look really cool!
For Pete?s sake they've a graphic fest that would make Andy Warhol cream his tights. This is after all, news about killing people. It's disgusting, and speaks volumes about the culture we are part of. That kind of shallowness exists because there's a huge market for it. Shit sells - and sells well. This is also what out troops are 'fighting for' right - our way of life.

America is the glory and banality of a civilization that enriches the peasant.

"Congratulations! We're very happy that our matching system has several highly compatible matches for you. The next step towards creating a successful relationship is to choose an eHarmony membership option and begin communicating."

Everytime I follow the directions I'm taken back to the home page that asks me to log in again. That's a relationship worth noting. What a bunch of nicely layed out hooey. There's the young couple pressing their heads together smiling like a photo out of a Land's End catalogue. Stylish type and uplifting platitudes. Nice non-confrontational color scheme - something for everyone it seems ... IF YOU CAN MANAGE TO LOG IN!

No one likes us-I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens

We give them money-but are they grateful?
No, they're spiteful and they're hateful
They don't respect us-so let's surprise them
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them

Asia's crowded and Europe's too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canada's too cold
And South America stole our name
Let's drop the big one
There'll be no one left to blame us

We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too

Boom goes London and boom Paree
More room for you and more room for me
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town
Oh, how peaceful it will be
We'll set everybody free
You'll wear a Japanese kimono
And there'll be Italian shoes for me

They all hate us anyhow
So let's drop the big one now
Let's drop the big one now
--------- R. Newman 1972

Regarding the 'peace now' mentality: I suspect a great deal of these sorts are more interested in being morally correct than pragmatically focused. Now with the war on, it's of little use to the people suffering, to be staging protests and burning effigies.

You've made your point; you're the enlightened, wise, and loving members of the human race - so much better than those who disagree with you - Got it!

Now about those poor bastards living in Iraq:

The best way to end this war is to win it; the sooner the better.

Instead of encouraging Saddam and his ilk with the ongoing protests, and hence prolonging the deprivations and terror being suffered by his captive population, it seems more humane and caring to now be demonstrating for his removal or surrender. Demonstrations should be clamoring for other Arab governments to stop supporting a ruler that has subjected their brothers to so many years of darkness, cruelty, and slaughter.

At some point, certainly after the onset of actual combat, I don't think one can "Support the troops and be against the war" if they continue to demonstrate against it. The demonstrations become de facto support of the other side.

The other side is trying to kill our soldiers.

I'm always considering a way to generate income and actually be interested in what I'm doing.

This is a hard call. I've a short attention span as well as a respectfully high IQ.

I'm not really suited to a waiter type job, or anything else that's "service oriented". I hate the public after all, and the last thing I need is attitude from some 20-something rich kid over his salad requirements.

Bar tending of course, would be ideal, but those jobs are jealously guarded, and handed down like rent-controlled apartments in NYC. I'm as likely to get a three picture deal before I ever get a shot a bar tending in LA.

Today however, I noticed this article about a company that contracts to clean up crime scenes - basically a maid service for murder and suicide locations. Now that's interesting! I'll bet it pays well, especially if one reaches a supervisory position.

Of course the content it would provide for this Blogging adventure is obvious. And in a perverse way it would probably make me a great deal more enthused about being alive.

(I'm told however that the majority of daily suicides in this city are failed actors ...)

Well, one must live on the edge eh?

I've been in denial about it for two days now, but it seems I've actually lost my notebook. Two months worth of observations, poetry, and laments.

Damn!!

This is as unbeilavable as news of a friends death. I keep thinking it must be lost in the car or somewhere, regardlesss of the fact that I've searched every possible place three times. I hope whoever finds it will have the decency to return it -

My name/phone# is in the front. Those political statements and plans are just an idea for a screenplay ...

Anyway, I'm unable to function without a notebook so I'm on my way to get another - "Moleskins" they're expensive little gems - 12 dollars - over-priced no doubt but they're well made and should remain intact until they finally arrive at the Smithsonian.

Well, my friend traded in his SUV for a Mini cooper. It's beautiful thing. But I'm troubled by the shallow envy I'm feeling - after all it's a material thing, a car for pete's sake! - and a diminishing asset as well.

But it's annoying when your friends can afford your good taste and you remain a critic on the bus.

Yesterday, before really considering it, I notified everyone on my email list of this new site. That was probably not a good idea. So if anything written in this 'BLOG' gives an aquaintenance of mine pause, please assume that "Uncle Randy" is a fictional guy, and the writer is not necessarly the same.

It's a shame really, I've been practicing for years now to deal with the so-called midlife crisis by pretending I'm 40 before I actually was. Now, much to the disdain of my conscious and self-esteem, I've been claiming to be 35.

I mean I'm encouraged when those I tell the truth too think I'm lying about my age.

(And no, they're not just being nice, fuck you, you jealous bastard.)

But vanity is such a nuisance! I'm a late bloomer. I haven't had my share of the sexual adventures that everyone else apparently experienced by the time they were 30.

My only consolation is I've contracted no communicable diseases.

Cold comfort when you're sitting alone at a bar next to a couple in love.

The neighbors are yuppie scum, driving Cadillac Escalades and feigning interest in the environment. They purchased a couple of kids as well as a big house from which they evicted ten tenants and then subjected the neighborhood to two years of daily construction noise as they "restored" the historically significant house to it's original splendor.

Now they have a dog out back to protect their property that barks at everything all day. I can't begin to describe the contempt they engender in me. It's impossible to concentrate with a barking dog that rivals a garbage truck in volume.

The boomer generation is the most self-absorbed bunch of hypocrites to ever come down the pipe. I think my neighbors as well as their hero Bill Clinton epitomizes all of it perfectly - precious bastards.

Drinking hot sake and ingesting sedatives. I'm neglecting my chores, the cat needs some more dry food. Don't care. Don't care.

I'm the luckiest man on the planet and I can't even bring myself to open a window.

Filled out some forms on eHarmony, posted a picture. Anything's possible right? But I'm being matched up with women my age! I'm trying to change my birthday in the "about me" section but that doesn't seem to be an option., shit.

The last thing I need is some older broad with three kids and SUV full of emotional baggage. I'm not interested in making up for some other asshole's mistakes. I want to produce a few of my own.

Of course it's an issue right now about the cost of cat food, but I'm on the miner's quest. Long lonely years of digging and privation until at last I hit the motherload and purchase paradise with cash.

Meanwhile it's prozac and booze and organic supplements. And the "hope" (delusion) that makes it possible to rise out of bed. ( in lieu of a full bladder.)

Oops, sorry, I was looking for the Drudge report.

Who on either side of the 'war/no war' argument really gives a damn about the Iraqis?

I don't. At least not anymore than their so-called Arab brothers who're just fine it seems with Saddam's barbarism.

I think most everyone else doesn't either - it's just a stand to make us look good and the other look bad.

I'm not sold on the idea of sacrificing young americans and billions of dollars to afford tribes with a culture and morality still grounded in 15th century a shot at democracy. I don't think they're up to it.

Hell, most Americans aren't really up to it - they're just lucky!

3/26
Awoke early, laid in bed listening to the war coverage. Every statement made by the Whitehouse or Pentagon is characterized as an admission. 'General Myers admitted that the fighting was intense.' It's news right, not a cross examination. It shows the starting point of the 'objective' reporters covering the event.

It's a nasty bunch we're up against. After losing nine marines to an ambush of white flag wavers, I'd certainly change my rules of engagement - I'd shoot a couple of the bunch first just to make sure they're serious.

Something to die for?
Is that what makes a life worth living?
Nobody really wants to die for their country
but some of us are willing
to kill for it.